Cooperation for the Masses April 2, 2012

When I left Twin Oaks, my partner and I were clear about our mutual desire to live in community.  I imagined he and I would quickly gather a group of people and start the process of forming a new community together.  A week or two after I left, I asked him when we should organize the first meeting and see who was interested.  ”Meeting?  It’s gotta happen organically…”

A prime example of our different styles, and beyond that, a source of vital frustration for me as I struggled to align my yearning for community with our isolated nuclear family life.  I resented his lack of focus on creating a life we both said we wanted.  He thought I was impatient and unsatisfiable.   We’ve grown, though, and over the last 6 years something has indeed unfolded as we merged organic and intentional…  we’ve welcomed friends to live in our home for months, sharing tiny spaces with multiple adults, toddlers, and teenagers.  We’ve deepened connections with friends from around the country who gather for festivals a few times a year.  We’ve found ourselves as part of a “tribe” of freaky circus performers who get together several times a week to either practice or socialize (or both) — while our kids of all ages play together.

(Edited after a night of sleeping on it: It’s not just that we now have friends and deeper connections — it’s what we do together, and how we do it.  We cook group meals, help each other move, watch each others’ kids, celebrate birthdays and holidays, share the often chaotic waves of our lives… not just as friends one-on-one, but as a group, as a collective.)

Even though it doesn’t look like I thought it would, it’s working… in a different way than the systems and Bylaws of Twin Oaks does.  There’s a lot about those systems that I miss (like income-sharing… especially when our rent is due!), but I’m being challenged to translate the lessons from the commune into life in the larger world… and it’s working in beautiful ways.

This, I think, is the new direction this blog is finally taking — reporting to you live from Bohemia with my adventures in and reflection on cooperation for the masses.

figuring it out...

Partner Dance March 3, 2012

After a conversation with new friends last night, I woke up with a revelation about the evolution of my relationship with my husband — I had been trying to describe the tricky balance we’re walking of each being on our own paths, and sharing our lives at the same time.   When I woke up next to him this morning and I wanted to roll over to be more comfortable, I realized the core of it.  In the past, when I wanted something and he was “in the way” (if I felt resistance from him, or he didn’t want the same thing), I’d give it up.

I quickly built up resentment and blamed him for my life not being what I wanted it to be.  I felt powerless and depressed, believing I had gotten stuck in a life that wouldn’t ever be what I wanted it to be.  At some point two summers ago, I reached a breaking point.  I knew I needed a life that worked for me, and if Free was in my way, I would have to push past him.  I traveled for a month with our 2 yr old daughter, to the Rainbow Gathering in PA, to a week-long personal/cultural transformation workshop, to my mom’s wedding in OH.  Somewhere along that journey, I remembered that I’m the one that creates my life.  In some story about what it meant to be married, I had imagined that we were going to be creating our life together, and had let go of my own sense of agency (there’s vocab from my sociology background… “agency” is one’s ability to act autonomously and make independent choices).  On that mother/daughter month out in the world, I rediscovered my independent spirit, and a confidence and strength that helped me remember myself.

Putting this into practice over the last year and a half has been easier than I thought it would be.  Free *wants* me to be happy and thriving (surprise!?).  And, believe it or not, we get along so much better when I’m not blaming him for the ways my life isn’t what I want it to be. When I have an inspiration, I don’t let myself drop it if he’s “in the way”.  I ask him to move, or find a way to go around.  It’s a partner dance, and he’s not leading.  I dance my dance, he dances his, and because we want to, we dance together.

So this morning in bed, I asked him to scootch so I could roll over.  He sleepily did, and we snuggled in to go back to sleep.

faithful love: an open letter to my partner March 26, 2009

hi you,

This morning I remembered being with you at Ethan and Veeka’s wedding, the combination of feeling strong and independent AND completely connected with you.  I remember how it felt in my body and my heart… the electric magic of the spiritual balance.  I remember coming together periodically to check in, needing nothing from each other except to hear wants and desires, and then figure out how they fit together.  We walked by the river that night, exploring the unknown city and each other in tandem — excited about being in the world together.

THIS is what I want to cultivate more in us.  It’s a different sort of balance now that our lives our intertwined with interdependence of money, children, home, car… it’s the work of marriage, I think, to keep finding the balance in ever-increasing interdependence.  Most couples get to do it gradually as the children grow up — but we leaped right in.  Sometimes I get stuck in resentment that it’s so hard, that our situation is so complex… and those are the times I get caught in despair and blame.  I want to remember that we’re both exceptionally strong, smart, and creative, and that we have all that we need to work with the complexity of our lives.

I see us exploring the world, exploring what it is to be US… from that strong balanced place of independent connectedness.  I know I’m more able to relax into my independence when I have total faith in the strength of our connection — and I imagine that you’re more able to relax into our connection when you feel strong in your independence.  I get clingy to reassure myself, and you withdraw to reassure yourself.  (That’s oversimplifying it, I know — but there seems to be a general truth to it, yes?)

I want to step more fully into my faith in our connection so that I can meet you from a place of strong independence.  It’s tricky with a baby — independence — because I AM dependent on you now in ways I wasn’t before we had a baby together.  Grrr… fucking nuclear family structure!  That’s a big part of our move to the city, I think… stepping more into "community" life, finding ways to get my needs met by a larger collective, not just you.

(Another piece of it that I just realized is that I have a fear that you are loving me less as you see more of who I am.  I’m not as bright and shining as I was 4 years ago.  I’m darker, sadder, more confused.  I get angry more easily, and I’m not treating you as lovingly as I used to.  My fear that you don’t love me as much increases my clingyness, decreasing my independence.)

So — FAITHFUL LOVE is the phrase I’m using to describe this balance that I’m seeking.  The FAITH is the lack of neediness, the trust that the other is going to meet me with their truth, and faith in the truth of love between all people, at the core — that faith keeps me centered in myself.  The LOVE, of course, is the connectedness, giving ourselves over to the experience of "us".  I want to give myself over to love AND be strong in myself — it’s the paradox of orgasm yet again… seeking without attachment, being active and surrendered… the same lessons again and again!  Ah, life.

Thanks for being with me on the journey.  I know I can be stubborn and heavy-headed sometimes.  Thanks for your compassionate patience and your insistent challenges.

see you in the forest of faithful love,

tickledspirit

December 20, 2008

Yesterday Jeffrey and I woke up stressed and anxious.  "What are we going to get the kids? We have no presents, and no money, and Solstice is tomorrow!"  We took turns calming each other down by listing the few presents we had acquired already, and the ideas we had for other gifts.  One day loomed before us — to drive an hour and a half away for a good deal on a ping pong table, to come up with better ideas for smaller presents, to see if last-minute online purchases actually got delivered, to get treats for stockings… not to mention attending a school play, making mashed potatoes for the class party, and wrapping all the gifts (whatever they might be).  We spent the early morning tense and frustrated with ourselves for not having it all together ahead of time.

At one point, I asked him, "What do we need to do to be less stressed about this?  Should we just move Solstice?  Celebrate on Sunday?  Or Christmas Eve?  Or really buckle down and do it today, just figure it out and go with it?"  We decided to go for it, to make the best of it and stop being stressed about what we hadn’t done beforehand.  We talked by phone every hour, bouncing ideas off of each other and me searching Craigslist while he drove around town.  And it worked!  This morning was full of suprises for the kids (including a ping pong ball wrapped in a big box… just enough of a clue to send them running to find the table in the back room, where we had forbidden them from entering all yesterday evening).  Best of all, Jeffrey and I worked as a team to make it happen, stepping out of blame and anger ("Why didn’t you think of that earlier?") and into acceptance of the reality we were dealing with… and dealing with it together.

Today I’m resting in the awareness that marriage and family are about persistence and patience, not perfection.  It matters less what our lives look like right now — instead, it’s the direction we’re headed in together.  This is my training ground for keeping faith, for stepping forward even when I feel lazy or scared, for breathing through challenges with the belief that deeper strength and connection lie on the other side.  These life partners (Jeffrey and all the kids) are the perfect motivation to push myself to be more loving, more patient, more understanding, more aware.  And then I’m more of who I want to be.

The Wedding… June 2, 2008

Today is the one year anniversary of our wedding! I figured in honor of the day, I’d post the script from the ceremony for your reading pleasure…

SETTING: summit of Sunrise Mounain, Stokes State Forest, Western New Jersey (the beautiful part of the state)…

1pm, sun shining, dark rain clouds in the distance, thunder in the background throughout

People will be milling around meeting each other and chatting until we show up at the top of the mountain. The band will be playing, and when Jeff emerges, the bandleader will stop the music and explain that Jeff is going to hide among the guests until Kate finds him (a Nigerian tradition). Band will then continue playing. When Kate finds him (and is able to touch him, not just see him in the crowd), the ceremony will begin. Tony will have the job of encouraging people to find their seats so that we can begin.

Juniper will start everything off by standing and explaining her role as “smudger”, and then she’ll light a sage smudge stick and walk around the circle while Faith and Moose play “Give Yourself to Love”.

JUNIPER: In ceremonies of all kinds, it is common to cleanse and purify the people and the space at the beginning of the ritual. My favorite word for this is the Native American practice called “SMUDGING”… My name is Juniper, and * I * am your SMUDGER!

It is believed that the smoke of sacred herbs wards off evil spirits or unwanted energy. I really want my Dad and Kate to have a nice wedding, so I’m going to burn a bundle of sage to protect the sacred space.

When the song is over and the smudging is done, Juniper will ding the chime. Tony will stand and begin.

TONY: Welcome to Jeff and Kate’s wedding ceremony! I’m Tony, Jeff’s brother, and I’m honored to be your Master of Ceremonies this afternoon. We’re here to celebrate the partnership that Kate and Jeff have chosen to pursue together, as well as to honor the human capacity for love.

Love knows no boundaries, no borders, no time zones. People all over the world love each other and celebrate partnership. Throughout their lives, both Jeff and Kate have been influenced by the cultural traditions and spiritual beliefs of people around the world, and they’ve created a wedding ceremony that reflects and honors many of these traditions.

With our help, Kate and Jeff will take part in several tasks that couples engage in during wedding ceremonies in different cultures. Some of the customs are playful, some are practical, and some are sacred. All of them are meant to celebrate the experience of joining in marriage.

We’ll start off with a task from here in North America, from the Navajo people of the Southwest.

CHRISTY: My name is Christy, I’m Jeffrey’s sister. In the Navaho tradition, a bride and groom would begin a marriage ritual by washing each other’s hands. A Marriage is the beginning of a new life. The individuals known as Kate and Jeffrey are washed away by the cleansing waters, no longer just individuals, but also bound as one.

Wash hands in wooden bowl…

AYDEN: I’m Ayden, and Jeff is my Dad. We now set forth to honor the parents of the bride and groom. It is not simply the gift of birth which makes it possible for Kate and my Dad to be here today, but the years of love, dedication and nurturing required to raise them. We witness today that wisdom has been

passed on as well, for how else could such great love come to manifest itself?

In both Chinese and Tibetan cultures, it is traditional for the bride and groom to hold a tea ceremony for the parents. The task given to Kate and my Dad is to properly honor their parents with such a ritual. The ingredients used in the tea symbolize fertility, and the tea is sweet to foster sweet relations with their new in-laws.

Serve tea to parents…

TALLY: I’m Tally, Kate’s aunt on her mother’s side of the family. My father’s parents came from Norway in the late 1800’s, and Faith and I grew up in a household that was rich with Norwegian influences, from lefsa to legends about trolls. The solier (sol-ee-ay) that Kate is wearing is a piece of traditional Norwegian wedding jewelry, passed down from our father to Faith, who gave it to Kate to wear today.

There’s a folk tradition in Norwegian weddings that typically happens on day four of the six-day wedding celebration, on Skaaledagjen – The Day of Toasts. Since a lot of us have traveled a long way to be here, we’re not going to wait around for three more days! Kate and Jeff, your task from Norway is to dance together on the top of a stump, so we can all see how well you work together in difficult circumstances!

Dance!

DANELE: I’m Danele. I’m Ayden’s mother and a close friend of both Jeff and Kate. I’m going to describe one of the most well known traditions from Africa: “jumping the broom”. This tradition originated in Ghana, where the broom was used symbolically to sweep away past wrongs. In America, the tradition of jumping over a broom became used among slaves, who weren’t permitted to marry legally. “Jumping the broom” was used by slaves to declare marriage to their friends and family, proclaiming a commitment to each other despite legal prohibitions.

Many sources say that jumping the broom symbolized the wife’s commitment to keeping a clean house, but since both people do the jumping, I’m sure it’s not just one person’s responsibility! It’s also used as a test to see who will be the leader of the household; whoever jumps the highest gets that reward.

Let’s have the kids come up to hold the broom, a few on each end.

So, Kate and Jeff, sweep away past wrongs, and let’s see your commitment to a clean house! And remember, whoever jumps the highest is the decision-maker in your home…

Take turns jumping broom…

WESLEY: I’m Wesley, Kate’s uncle on her dad’s side of the family. There’s another tradition that determines who is going to be the head of the household, so there’s still a chance to get even! This tradition is from Russia, where Orthodox weddings included a race between the bride and groom to be the first to step on a white rug at the other end of the church. The rug symbolized wishes that the newly wed couple should have wealth and prosperity and never need to face poverty standing on a bare earthen floor.

Kate and Jeff hope for wealth and prosperity, and also for an earthen floor someday! Instead of a rug, I’m going to lay down this circle of rope for them to race to. Whoever steps inside first will be the head of the household. On your mark, get set, GO!

Race… (whoever won broom jumping looses this time)

DAVID: In the Pygmie tribes of Africa, the groom has only one obligation to the bride’s family: to find a female in his family who is willing to marry a brother or male cousin of the bride. I’m David, Kate’s only brother, so I guess that means that Jeff is supposed to find me a girl! I’m just reading what’s written here on the card – this wasn’t my idea! Just so you know, I’m not really ready to marry anyone yet, so a hug or a kiss on the cheek will do just fine.

Free finds volunteer…

THEA: Hello. My name is Thea, and both Kate and Jeffrey are good friends of mine. One of the most common folk traditions is known as handfasting. Among the most ancient handfasting rituals are those of the Druidic tradition, where it was believed that the bride and groom embodied the Goddess and the God. I now call forth the divine in Kate and Jeffrey. Listen well and answer truly!

Hail, Goddess, Lady of the Earth! Holding in your secret heart the promise of plenty within the endless cycle of time’s stately dance, we salute you! Hail, mistress of abundance and wholesome, healthy life. Hail, Sister of us all.

Are you, our divine Sister Who Is All, prepared to open the abundance of your love and whatever crops you may harvest, be they physical, emotional or spiritual, to your Brother Who Is All to tend to his needs and seek his greatest growth in the richness of your soul’s richest soil?

KATE: As the Sister Who Is All Sisters, may it be so!

THEA: Hail, God, Master of the Fire! Purifying all within the bright, clean flame of passion, and the light of truth, we salute you. Hail, master of prosperity and good works! Hail, Brother of us all.

Are you, our divine Brother Who Is All, prepared to focus the flame of your desire for love and light, your passion for truth and right, on the well-being of your Sister Who Is All, casting out the shadows of the unwanted and unwholesome past and using your heat to warm, not burn and your light to guide, not blind your beloved?

JEFFREY: As the Brother Who Is All Brothers, may it be so!

Thea takes the handfasting cord and wraps it around our hands…

BETH: I’m Beth, one of Kate’s good friends. I know that both Kate and Jeff have been significantly influenced by Buddhist wisdom. One of the most important traditions in a Buddhist wedding in Thailand is the water ceremony, known as ROD NAM.

During the ceremony, the bride and groom kneel together. They are connected by a holy string around their shoulders or hands, symbolizing their spiritual union. One by one, guests walk up and pour water over the couple’s hands while offering a blessing or marital advice.

The water ceremony is usually performed by all guests older than the couple. Today, everyone here is invited to participate! You may speak your blessings and advice out loud, or participate silently. I’ll begin, the person to my right will go next, and we’ll just follow each other around the circle.

Water ceremony…

DAN: My name is Dan, and I’m a friend of Kate.

Perhaps the greatest gift that Jesus brought to the world was the message of Love. Your task, Kate and Jeffrey, is to hear these verses from the Bible, take them into your heart and Soul, so that they may always sustain and nourish your marriage.

1 Corinthians 13:1-12

I may speak in tongues of men or of angels, but if I am without love, I am a sounding gong or a clanging cymbal. I may have the gift of prophecy, and know every hidden truth; I may have faith strong enough to move mountains; but if I have no love, I am nothing. I may dole out all I possess, or even give my body to be burnt, but if I have no love, I am none the better.

Love is patient; love is kind and envies no one. Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude; never selfish, not quick to take offence. Love keeps no score of wrongs; does not gloat over other men’s sins but delights in the truth. There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, its hope, and its endurance.

Love will never come to an end. Are there prophets? Their work will be over. Is there knowledge? It will vanish away; for our knowledge and our prophecy alike are partial, and the partial vanishes when wholeness comes. Now we see only puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we shall see face to face.

TONY: The ring bearer may now step forward with the rings.

Ruis gives rings to Kate and Jeff

TONY: Kate and Jeff have completed many tasks, from many cultures, symbolizing the power of the partnership we’re celebrating today. Now it’s time for them each to share individually about what this wedding means to them.

Jeff and Kate, as you speak, you’ll hold your partner’s ring in your hand. Let the power of your words fill the ring, so that as your partner wears it for the rest of their life, it will echo the words you speak today. Kate, we’ll start with you.

Kate speaks!

TONY: (pause) Jeff, now it’s your turn.

Jeff speaks!

TONY: (pause) Now it’s time for us to take these intentions that you’ve just spoken, and seal them with sacred vows. God has called us to live in union with the Holy Spirit and in communion with each other. The gift of marriage cultivates our ability to share happiness and sorrow, to give and receive, to understand and forgive, so that we may carry these lessons into all that we do in the world. In the presence of God and these witnesses, I ask you, Jeffrey, will you have Kate, who stands here before you, to be your wife? Will you love, honor, and be true to her, in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, for all of your lives?

JEFFREY: Yes, I will.

TONY: Likewise I ask you, Kate, will you have Jeffrey, who stands at your side, to be your husband? Will you love, honor, and be true to him, in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, for all of your lives?

KATE: Yes, I will.

TONY: I now invite everyone to stand.

(CONGREGATION STANDS)

TONY: Jeffrey and Kate have invited you here because they want to share this day with you, and because they desire your support and encouragement. You all have a role to play in their relationship. I now ask you as family, friends, and congregation, will you do everything in your power to support them in their marriage and give it your blessing? If so, please respond by saying loudly, “Yes, we will!”

CONGREGATION: Yes, we will!

TONY: Kate and Jeffrey, you have declared your intention to share with each other your joys and sorrows and all that the years will bring. Now it’s time for you to accept these promises from each other, by accepting the rings onto your fingers.

(rings on fingers and kiss!)

TONY: And so it is done! Let the whole world celebrate the partnership of Jeff and Kate!

Juniper dings chime!

TONY: The most universal of all wedding traditions is eating and drinking together! You are all invited to the reception at the Kittle Field Picnic area at the bottom of the mountain, which will begin as soon as we’re done with photos up here.

*************

Then the rain came while evryone drove down the mountain, and soon dissipated in time for dancing to great Klezmer music by the Vulgar Bulgars. After the reception, the more daring guests stripped down to skinny dip in a beautiful mountain stream (my favorite part of the whole day.

Tonight we celebrated by jumping over the broom again, this time with a baby in my arms…

April 16, 2007

It’s been a long while since I’ve written here, and this isn’t going to be a long post.  I’m working on wedding invitations instead of studying for this afternoon’s statistics exam, both of which I’ve been procrastinating on.
I’m just waiting for a phone call back from the stationery store to see if they’ve got the color of envelopes we want.  I didn’t think I’d be this kind of bride…

This can’t really be an “update of all the things that have happened since I wrote last” kind of post, because so much has happened and, at the same time, so little.  I have less than a month left in the semester, and I’m so looking forward to the end that I’m not working on the papers I need to be writing now.  I’m OVER grad school. The allure and mystique have evaporated and I’m realizing that it’s really only going to be what I want to make of it, and I don’t want to make much of it.  And yet, I’m still coming back for one more year.  Only two classes left, and writing my thesis, and I’ve got my Master’s Degree, I’ve finished what I’ve started, even if it isn’t what I wanted it to be.  I’ll take one class next semester, TA for one class, and teach part-time in a local alternative high school.  And be an apprentice to a friend who is a massage therapist… trying to find a way to support my life in a way that makes sense to me (it ISN’T academia, I now realize).

The stationery store called — they have what I want.  Off I go, the not-so-merry consumer.  More later…

January 29, 2007

I wrote a post almost a month ago about how things have been going better for me, how I got a massage table for Solstice and how much I enjoyed playing “Santa” on Solstice Eve after the kids had gone to bed.  It was a long, happy, hopeful post… and somehow it didn’t ever make it onto the blog.  I think I hit “preview” and never hit “post”… alas.

So today, we’re back to the doldrums.  I’m stuck deep down in my  muck. I wrote an email to a group of friends this morning, and I figured I’d post it here, too, since I have friends who check here periodically.  I wish I could write a more thoughtful or insightful post after being gone for so long… but this is all I can offer right now:

Hi there, lovelies…
I’m struggling pretty deeply these days, and this morning I had the brilliant idea to (gasp) ask for support.

Here’s my story: I’m in grad school, and at best I mildly enjoy it.  At worst, I’m miserable and see no purpose in my life.  There are many days I want to quit… and I don’t, because a)I’m worried that I’m just looking for immediate gratification and I’m impatient and if I quit now I’ll have wasted this year and if I stick it out for one more year I’ll have my Master’s Degree… and b)I don’t know what else I’d do.  This was my “plan”.  Other things I might want to do feel inaccessible because I’m partnered with an amazing man, and he has 3 kids and is tied to Central Virginia for at least 10 more years (becuase the mothers of his kids live here).

I’m feeling limited and scared and stuck in fear.  I’m not looking for possibilities or asking for what I want and I miss the me that I know who knows how to do that.  I miss myself.  I’m not passionate, and I’m not smiling.  I’m crying a lot, and I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning.

I have lots of self judgement about being such a mess about all this.  There are so many people struggling with so many other things (poverty, cancer, oppression)… I feel petty.  And, it’s what’s true for me right now.  I feel stuck and I feel hopeless about getting unstuck.  I’m scared of being in this stuck place for a long time.

I’m suprised about how difficult it is to ask for support.  All that self-judgement makes me worry about judgement from other people.  I don’t want other people to think I’m petty or weak… and of course, I know that those are stories.  Who cares if other people think I’m petty or weak? And in this dark place, that fear holds so much power.

I also think one of the traps of monogamy for me is getting focused on my one partner for all emotional support.  I’ve been doing that, and it’s stressing both of us and the relationship pretty significantly.  And then I remembered, I have other friends and lovers and people who want to support me!  And this group is full of them!

Asking for what I want:
Please write to me.
Questions help me a lot.  Questions help me acknowledge what’s really true for me.
I also welcome your perspective, reflecting what you see in me and hear from me.

whew.  I feel a raw and vulnerable, and I’m scared to press the “send” button.  I want to present a more powerful and wise self to you all… but I also want to present an authentic self, so this is what you get.

love,
tickledspirit

April 2, 2006

Plans have changed. Instead of traveling on wild adventures around the country, I’m having wild adventures right here in central Virginia. Instead of journeying to distant lands, I spent yesterday at the first farmer’s market of the season in Charlottesville, selling mushrooms grown by my… ahem… fiance’ on “our” farm.

I’ve been growing and changing in so many ways over the past 2 months. I think I haven’t been writing because it’s been so overwhelming, and I’ve just barely been staying on top of my own changes, trying to understand them as it all flies by, grasping onto new understandings and ideas before they’ve dissolved into NEW understandings and ideas! I can’t explain it all to myself in my brain, much less put it into words. Now, though, things feel like they’re starting to settle into place. Roots are being established, getting used to the different nutrients of this new soil.

I left for the meditation retreat two months ago, and stayed for 8 days of the 10 day course. I could elaborate on what didn’t work for me, but mostly it just wasn’t a good fit for where I was emotionally at that point. I wanted to be out in the world, exploring and creating, and I got bored with sitting and existing in the moment. The moment was fine, but then I wanted to DO something with the moment! I wanted to write, or dance, or talk with people, or build something. I realized I’m not all that interested in enlightement right now — I want to live on the Earth and experience the cycles of joy and pain! So, a friend and I left together and hitchiked through rural Maryland to DC, where we caught a bus down to Charlottesville. She retured to Twin Oaks, and I returned to Free.

I also realized on my meditation course that I didn’t actually want to travel alone for the next several months. I wanted to start building my life in partnership with this man I’m in love with. Before I left on my travels, we both acknowledged our desire and intention to be partners for life. At some point, he asked me if I thought we’d ever get married. “Sure,” I said, and then he asked, “Is that a proposal?” “Sure!” I said, and it was done. We got rings from an antique store and announced it to our parents. Originally, the plan was that we’d start building our life together when I returned. In those 8 days of meditation, that quickly seemed ludicrous! Traveling around the country was an old dream, and not as powerful for me now as it was 4 years ago. What I want now is to start a garden and build a home and partnership so that I have a solid base when school starts in the fall (yes, I got in! With full funding!).

It’s an engaging and ever-evolving process, this “home creation” thing. He’s been here for nearly a year already, and so I’m moving into what’s already been established, finding the balance of fitting myself in to what exists and changing things to meet my needs. This extends into relationships with his three kids, as I become more a part of their lives and vice versa. They’re delighted to call me their “stepmom” and they make fun of Free and I when we’re too mushy. We have friendships already that have been established over the past 2 years, and now we’re exploring what it’s like to live together, and how discipline and boundary-setting fits into or changes our identities with each other. I got a book from the library about being a step-parent, and basically what it says is “it’s hard!”

Slowly, slowly, I’m settling in. l seeded a garden area with red clover last month, and the sprouts are now well-established and starting to grow. Just today I finished building a cold frame for early plants, and I have some lovely potted herbs in there now, gotten through barter at the farmer’s market. I love this life of growing and sharing and bartering and sharing… even better than the commune where it was institutionalized. Here it’s organic, direct from desire to action, without bureaucracy and systematic structure. In the last hour of the market, we traded nearly 5 pounds of mushrooms with other vendors, walking away with herbs, flowers, scones, cheese, and a pound of organic beef. Who says we’re poor? I just had a snack of fresh organic basil on slices of colby cheese, and it was incredibly luxurious, sitting in the double wide trailer that is now my home. I often lament this place, the poor soil, the beer can and candy wrap littered property, the poorly insulated, made-to-fall-apart building… the weight of my “white trash” stereotypes often turns down the edges of my mouth in a cynical sneer when I think about this place. The more I live here though, it becomes more “home” than “double wide”, more “life” than “labels”. I’m finding a new way of living, again.