Ruminating on 30 August 14, 2009

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday — it feels pretty big, much more than any other birthday since 20, I think.  21 was no big deal because I already drank alcohol, and not much of it, so nothing really changed.   There’s something about my sense of self that changes with these decade birthdays… a shift in my perspective on who I am in the world.

30 feels like turning outward, after spending my 20s learning about myself and testing out my ideas and ideals.  My 20s was about experiencing and experimenting, opening up to new possibilities and pushing perceived limits… and then noticing how I felt, how other people reacted, and how I felt about other people’s reactions.  Data collection, my 20′s.

And now I have a sense of a mandate to act on the information I’ve gathered.  I know myself fairly well — I know my tendencies, my emotional and mental “gravitations”.   I know the well-worn paths and the traps that lie therein.  It’s my job now to take responsibility for all that, and navigate gracefully around the traps.

I know how to open when I’m shut down, and I know how I justify not opening up.  I know that I have a tendency to be controlling, and I know the power and the danger of that habit.  I know the things I need to do to take care of myself, and I know I enjoy life more when I do them:

• EAT WELL– avoid wheat and sugar, and don’t skip meals
• DRINK A LOT OF WATER — I need a beautiful water bottle that I carry everywhere, otherwise I forget to drink
• GO TO BED EARLY — I can’t let Facebook suck me in night after night… I need to give myself a bedtime
• WRITE IN MY JOURNAL DAILY –  I need a daily routine where I write at the same time every day (right now it’s when Aurora naps)
• WORK WITH TAROT CARDS REGULARLY — I need to give myself over to magical experience to get out of the illusion that I’m in control here
• GET OUT OF THE HOUSE WITH AURORA — I need to plan things the day before so in the morning we get up and GO!
• WALK IN THE WOODS — I need to have time surrounded by the creations of raw nature, rather than the creations of people
• WORK WITH PLANTS — I need a garden, and I need to be making medicine from herbs
• DANCE — I need to have a regular date with myself for dancing, otherwise I let it slide
• CHALLENGE MYSELF — I get bored if things are easy… I need to be challenging myself emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually if I’m going to feel satisfied with my life, because I want to be growing.

And the purpose of all of this is shifting to be more outward now — not just the development of self-awareness from my 20s, but now shifting outward to being of service, making my life a contribution to the communities I’m a part of.  This family, my circles of friends, this city, this world… humanity.   I feel like I’ve been scrambling since Aurora was born (15 months ago!) to reconfigure my modes of service.  It’s hard to be an “activist’ as I wash diapers and dishes at home.  As it’s all played out, though, I find myself focusing on theater and ritual as my contributions.  Jeffrey has supported me in performing in 2 shows in the last 6 months, staying with Aurora during rehearsals and performances.  The stage has always called me… from my first role as Goldilocks in kindergarten, right up to tonight’s opening night for Godspell.   Yes, this is a clear path for me.  Sometimes it seems like it’s so obvious that I forget I’m an actress, when I’m in angst about not having a focus, not having a “profession”.  I do, it just doesn’t pay.

Then the other path, more recently acknowledged, is that of holding space for ritual.  Being by my Grandma’s side during the last days of her life inspired me to pursue work as a chaplain, after I was already in training to become a doula.  Holding sacred space for birth and death (and marriage, and divorce, and other life transitions) is another clear path that stays lit when I’m confused about everything else.

I think writing all this out here helps me claim it, helps me say “YES — this is who I am right now, on the eve of my 30th birthday”.  Of course I have no idea what comes next, what I’ll learn in this next decade.  But, controlling as I am, I know I thrive when I have a clear and tangible plan for where I’m headed… even if it turns out to completely change.  I’ve learned that much about myself… so I move forward with that information, doing the best I can.

a new way December 1, 2008

A lot of my friends these days are focused on “old ways” of doing things, “primitive” skills like hunting and skinning their own meat, making fires without matches or lighters, wild food and medicine, living in wigwams… I’ve found myself attracted to a lot of this, especially collecting wild edible and medicinal plants.  I love being sustained by the earth, instead of by an exploitative system (exploitative of people and the planet).  “Primitive skills” also came into my world of childraising, through the book “The Continuum Concept”, a popular book about one woman’s observations of childraising practices of a South American indigenous tribe.  I read it while I was pregnant, on my self-imposed retreat in the Smoky Mountains last January.  Curled up in a cozy cabin outside of Gatlinburg with an ever-expanding belly, I earnestly read about the ways the Yequana Indians nurtured their children, who never yelled, cried, or peed on the floor.

The book is a convincing argument, and I’ve spent these first seven months of Rora’s life looking to the “old ways” for guidance in parenting my daughter.  I joined the “CC” email group, but the daily digests quickly piled up, as I’m spending less time in front of the computer than I have since the internet became widely available (my junior year of high school, for the record).  I’ve found alot of insight and useful perspective from asking myself, “what would the Yequana do?”, and a lot of frustration as well.  I don’t live in a tribe — nothing close to it.  We are at home, Rora and I, quite often by ourselves.  Our home is modern, with tables and electrical outlets and flush toilets.  I’ve found myself sometimes caught up in an anxious critique of my life, thinking “this isn’t how it’s SUPPOSED to be!” and “if we lived in a tribe, <current challenge> wouldn’t even be an issue!”

Jeffrey and I had a conversation today that went something like this:

me: I’ve been noticing that Rora likes it better when I’m doing things on her level, like when I fold clothes on the floor, better than when I do things up on counters and tables, like chop veggies in the kitchen.  If I were working around a fire pit, I’d always be on her level and she wouldn’t get frustrated!

him: A lot of tribes had fire pits built on mounds so they could work standing up.

me: No, they didn’t.

him: Yes, they did.

me: unh uh!

him: unh huh!

So the conversation about how we should design our lives hinges on an argument of what other people did in the past.  I woke up tonight with a shift in perspective — not sure where it came from, but it hit me hard, right in the center of my chest.  Now as I sit in front of the screen it seems simple, but here it is: instead of looking to the “old ways”, or to the newest child development literature, I want to look to my deepest self for the answers to the questions of how to raise my daughter.  I want to ask myself “what do I want to do?” instead of “what should I do?”.  My perspective is informed by that “old way” wisdom, and also by the things I learn about “cutting-edge” parenting techniques (which don’t actually seem so different)… but I look for answers within instead of from the outside. This will keep me working with what is, the raw material of our lives, instead of longing for what isn’t, some ideal I’m trying to hold myself to.  I want to be constantly asking myself “what resonates with my spirit?”, having faith in the answers that come, and in my ability to live by them.

November 25, 2008

This morning I danced with Aurora in the living room, classical music blaring from the kitchen.  Moving my hips with her snuggled against my belly reminded me of dancing with her the night before she was born, finding my body connection with this new being.  Now she’s not so new, and our body connection is ever evolving.  I love the way my body responds innately to hers, the way my foot moves to cushion her head when she falls, the way my nipple magnetically connects with her mouth in the dark of the night as we snuggle in bed.  Laying on my back, I lift her on my feet, high in the air, confident of our mutual balance.  We’re a team — she’s my sidekick, and I’m hers.

Sometimes I get stuck in feeling like she’s a chore to do, a responsibility that if I just get it done then I can go play.  Those are the overwhelming moments when I just want my independence back, so I can do what I want to do.  And then we dance together, or play peek-a-boo, or she smiles at me… and I catch a glimpse of this new stage of life — MOTHERHOOD — where I’m not operating alone, ever.  Even more so than living in community, my life is about interdependence, living in tandem.  When I give myself over to that experience, when I don’t fight it, I love it.

the baby’s gift October 19, 2008

I think people love babies so much because they irresistably bring us into the present moment, and they tend to make the present moment pretty darn enjoyable!  This is my daughter’s lesson to me today (and all days) — to slow down, to look around, to drink in each moment (as I interact directly with her *and* as I thin carrots while she plays on a nearby blanket, and as I write now while she explores the bedroom).  Thanks, Aurora, for this gift.

I love my daughter.

yearning for the edge October 6, 2008

Aurora is asleep in bed next to me, and I’m typing on the laptop I inherited from my Grandma a week and a half ago.  Today I found a refreshed determination to WRITE.  This is my mode of self-reflection and of engagement with the world around me — this is how I’ve learned to go deeper in my understanding of my experience… and that’s exactly what I need right now.

And blogging, different than journaling, holds me to a standard of keeping it *relevant* — not just bellybutton gazing and self-sympathizing.  With blogging, I keep thinking of the reader asking “so what?”.  How does my experience relate to the larger world?  That’s a big piece I feel myself missing these days, as I putter around the house with Rora in the sling, washing dishes and laundry for a whopping 5 people (compared to the 100+ people I used to serve with my daily actions).  I keep asking myself “so what?”… and rarely come up with a satisfactory answer.

This lifepath is turning out to be boring, lonely, and frustrating… I spend too many hours alone with 5 month old Aurora, without people to bounce ideas off of or to provide fodder for my mental and emotional growth.  These days, I feel incredibly stagnant.

AND, at the same time, I feel the fire burning in me, the passion just waiting for fuel.  I ask myself daily, “what can I do?”… and then Aurora wakes up or bumps her head, and the question drifts away.  So I’m going to write, nightly, after she falls asleep.  I’m going to use this time to bring the questions forward and keep my fingers moving through the self-doubt and fear and see what answers come.  Until she wakes up, and maybe even keep writing through the nursing, thanks to Grandma’s laptop and our neighbor’s wireless connection.

SO WHAT?

So I’ll be more able to be present with Rora, so I’ll be a better mom, so I’ll be back exploring at the edge instead of in the muddled middle, and the edge is where I grow, where I learn.  So I’ll be more alive, and happier, so I’ll have more to offer the world around me, so I’ll be a better mom.

Getting it all out of my head helps make it more real.  I’m going to write, and through writing, remember who I am.  For myself, for my daughter, for all the people in my life, and for (  ) … the spirit that permeates all.

experimental life August 19, 2008

This morning I watched Rora try to roll over in my mom’s bed, softer than ours at home. I snuck out of bed to write in my journal while Rora was self-entertaining with her toes. I sat in a chair at the foot of the bed in the small room, listening to Rora’s contented sounds as I wrote. When I finished, I took the opportunity for quiet observation of my daughter, who was totally focused on her new task. From laying on her back, she’d flip over using the strength of her legs, like usual, but the fluffiness of the bed prevented the rest of her body from following and she kept returning to her back. She tried at least a dozen times while I was watching, out of determination rather than frustration. She was exploring and experimenting, trying to figure out what the trouble was. She finally found that she could grab the fabric of the pillowcase to hold her body in place once she had her first arm over, then wriggled her second arm — stuck beneath her body in the nest of fluffiness — out from underneath.
Watching my daughter this morning, I remember that life is about experimenting, learning, growing. None of us have it all figured out. I can only keep exploring what’s possible, and enjoy myself while I do it!

Babies and Poop May 8, 2008

More on baby Aurora…

The childbirth experience was a mixture of sweet ecstasy and intense physical and emotional work. And in the end, a baby came out… in the bathroom, because I thought I had to poop.

Free: “I see something!”
Me: (screaming) “It’s poop!”
Free: “No, it’s the baby!”
It turns out that I wasn’t going crazy… lots of women have this experience.

Aurora and I have been having a sweet time getting to know each other as we lay in bed together. I’m on orders to stay in bed for 2 weeks due to a tear in a tricky place — ugh! I’m trying to enjoy the rest as a luxury… but I miss working in the garden and being a part of daily life around here. Free and the kids are treating me like a queen, though, so I can’t complain.

This baby is pretty delightful — lots of sleeping, nursing, and wide-eyed observation (during the few hours she’s awake). She doesn’t have a last name yet, because Free and I haven’t figured out how to balance practicality with idealism (isn’t that the quintessential struggle?). So for now, she just has two middle names, two ecstatic parents, and a lot of poop.

love,
tickledspirit and Aurora (Rori, Froggy, Sugar Snap, Pea Pod…)

AURORA EMBER RUTH! May 7, 2008

Welcome to the world, Aurora Ember Ruth! Born Monday, April 28 at 8:45pm, in the bathroom (I thought I had to poop).

breathing… April 18, 2008

Last night I though I might be starting the birth journey, and I panicked! So much nervousness and “But I haven’t yet done…”

Thankfully, that was just a practice experience, and I got to see how I’m not being open and ready for it to come. So, my intention today and for the days to come is to seek full presence in the moment, to clear my To Do List with intention and ease, and dance, meditate, paint, breathe myself into the moment, into full acceptance of What Is.

Life update… March 31, 2008

Thanks to Howard for the nudge of encouragement to write again! Here’s the latest update:

My “by the calendar” due date is April 29th, and my belly is growing bigger each day. Rounder and rounder… though my belly button has yet to pop out. I’ve been feeling sad about loosing my beloved innie, but I just realized a few days ago that I’m going to get to see a part of my body that I’ve NEVER seen before — the inside of my navel! What a treat!

Early in my pregnancy I bought a ring from an antique store (the same place Free and I found our wedding rings). I couldn’t choose between two rings: one had a vine with leaves on it, and I thought about it as a celebration of life and growth. The other one had a black onyx sphere in the center, round, like I knew my belly would become! I ended up buying both of them, thinking that maybe Free would wear one and I’d wear the other. I ended up choosing to wear the black onyx, because it was the one that I felt some resistance to, some fear. I wore it everyday, not really knowing the significance, but trusting it was there. One day (a few months ago) I asked myself about it while writing in my journal. “What’s the significance of the ring?” The answer came flowing through me clearly: it’s about embracing the unknown, the Great Mystery, limitless possibility. The stark blackness can be scary, and it can also be rich and alive. I still wear it everyday — my plan is to wear it until the baby comes, and then ??? Eventually I’ll give it to the child, as part of a rite of passage. Maybe I’ll wear it all through its childhood? I don’t really know. I still have the other ring sitting on my altar, waiting for its purpose.

I don’t have much of a specific sense of the baby… whenever I direct my focus to the being inside me, I just get a sense of its total wisdom, its connection to ultimate Oneness, and an energy of a trickster hiding from me, only showing a Cheshire cat smile in the darkness of the unknown.

In another (related) area of my life, I recently decided not to complete my Master’s Degree. I journaled about this for several days before letting myself admit that I really don’t WANT a Master’s Degree. I don’t want that mark of “superior knowledge” or “being worth more” to an employer. I don’t want to receive recognition from a system I don’t believe in. And beyond the degree itself, I don’t care about the research and writing papers that no one will ever read but one professor, and then perhaps a few more academics if I actually get published. I want to do meaningful, tangible work. I want to teach, but in innovative, experiential ways — not in a college classroom. The choice not to continue is freeing, a burden lifted. But I still haven’t told my parents…

So now I’m teaching part time at the alternative high school in town, Math and World History (Revolutions around the world!). This week is the last week I’ll be there until next fall. I’m also working diligently in our garden, planting seeds that will help feed the family this summer, and hopefully — with abundance of harvest and energy for canning — into the fall and winter. THIS is the work I want to be doing, pursuing alternatives to participating in the capitalist market, working hard to live in a way that makes sense. I still deeply believe it’s not sustainable unless done collectively — so we’re seeking community, both informal local networks and a more long-term group to share land and labor with.

That’s the news on the homefront! So much more, as well, perhaps for other posts…