Blech. I’m sick. Still. I had a doughnut last night before I went to bed (dumpster dived from the Krispy Kreme — they throw out BOXES of doughnuts every night!) and then I couldn’t sleep, which didn’t aid in the process of my body healing itself. Sugar is poison to my body! I know this, and yet I still crave those fucking Krispy Kremes. They’re even better when they’re smushed.

so I couldn’t sleep and I was tossing and turning and finally I complained to Paxus, who was sleeping beside me (and who’s instructed me to wake him up if I can’t sleep). He told me to get comfortable and then told me a long, beautiful story. He told me to imagine being a leaf on a tree, then turning brown and falling falling falling to the ground. Getting swept up in the wind with other leaves, moving through the forest and eventually falling in a stream, then floating past fields of grain and eventually ending up in a lake. Floating on the lake, coming to rest on an island in the middle of the lake, where the leaf starts to slowly break apart, and becomes part of the ground, from which another tree will grow. “And then,” he ended, “you are complete.”

I had fallen alseep somewhere when the leaf was in the stream, but when I heard him say that last line I woke up, wanting to know what happened to make it all complete. So he started in the middle, and told the end of the story again. I wasn’t asleep when he ended the second time, but I was in this blissed out place of feeling at peace with my life and life in general. I just laid there next to him, blissed out, until I just simply drifted off into slumber.

I’ve been having kind of a hard time for the past week… I experimented with a very powerful drug that gave me a Roto Rooter to the mind: Salvia Divinorum, or “Diviner’s Sage.” It’s an herb that can be smoked. I’m not a big drug user at all — even pot doesn’t compel me much. This was something that a lover of mine had tried a few times before and she had some really powerful experiences with it. So we decided to do it together, and my experience was terrifying. I felt like I was loosing myself, loosing all my individuality. I felt like I was dying. The whole idea of one’s life flashing before their eyes? Happened. Things from my past, Big Bird, puzzles, my dissappointed dad. And the feeling I had as all of this was being pulled away was: “Game Over, you lost.” Like there was a right answer, a right way to live my life, and I hadn’t done it. I was completely terrified. I tried to run out of the room but Juniper stopped me (she hadn’t taken it yet, she was going to wait and see how I reacted first) and walked me over to the matress and laid down with me and held me while I shook and cried and tried to explain what I was experiencing.

Since then I’ve been thinking a lot about Death and the nature of Life and other things that deserve to start with capital letters. Asking all those empirically unanswerable questions, like “what’s the Meaning of Life?” and “what happens to Me when I Die?”. For a couple days after the experience, I couldn’t get a hold on Reality at all. Everything I looked at made no sense to me. I couldn’t work it through my mind. Everything just looked Weird. And now, over a week away from it, I’ve pushed those questions to the back of my mind because they get in the way of my day to day functioning, but they’re still there. I know I need to explore it, otherwise they’ll just fester into some giant monster that I have to deal with years from now. It’s hard to handle when the thoughts are still so raw, but easier in the long run, I think. I just need to give myself the space to do it. Take a day or two without any scheduled work (ahh… another benefit of living on a commune!) and go out in the woods and be with myself and these questions.

As soon as I’m done being sick.