I deeply, sincerely apologize to all my faithful blogophiles who have been writing inspiring comments and then checking back day after day to hear the rest of the story. How did it all pan out? Is the tall, lanky, big-nosed guy really a jerk? Has TickledSpirit run away from the commune in despair?

No, no, I’m still here. I realized as I was out in the field with the cows today that I’m at a distinct disadvantage to many of my readers and fellow bloggers: I don’t sit at a computer for most of the day. In fact, I have to make an intentional effort to actually get in front of a computer screen. We have about 15 computers here that are all for public use. Usually there’s at least one free, and sometimes none of them are, except for the one with the shift key that’s been sabotaged by honey or something equally as sticky.

I was realizing this disadvantage today as I was having brilliant thoughts in the middle of the cow pasture. I thought “I could write this in my blog! After I finish shoveling this shit.” And then it’s dinner time, and then I have a meeting, then a date, then … whatever. Excuses, excuses.

And I have to admit that I’ve been hesitant to write because I wanted to write a brilliant post on jealousy, and every time I sat down to the computer i didn’t feel very brilliant. Again, whatever. I’ll just try my best — bear with me.

JEALOUSY.

It’s an umbrella word for much more complex emotions. And I don’t use it because it isn’t specific, and in not being specific, it isn’t useful except to placate the rational mind. It’s a socially-acceptable feeling without any responsibility tied to it. “I’m jealous because you’re doing that”. The only possibility for forward motion then is for you to stop doing that. What an easy dodge of responsibility!

I can look further into the sadness/pain/anger that’s traditionally labeled as jealousy and find out what’s going on for me. Usually, I’m acting out of a place of fear. When I was monogamous, it was often the fear that I was going to be left for someone else, which stems from my fear that I’m not good enough, my fear of not being “right” (i.e. perfect). This is my shit, and really has nothing to do with what my partner is doing. With open relationships, the fear of being left for someone else is null and void. If a relationship ends, it’s based on the merits (or lack thereof) of the relationship itself. So I don’t need to get into that mindspin. There are plenty more mindspins I can leap into.

so this time, when Lanky Magician wasn’t there in the morning, I was sad and confused. I had an expectation that he’d show up, and he didn’t. That’s sad. AND I never asked him to come, I never told him I wanted him to come. It just made sense to me that he would (he nearly always comes to sleep with me after his late-night tree climbing, and I had told him I was having a hard time earlier that day). The fears came up for me around something making total sense to me, seeming practically “inevitable”, and then it not happening. Why? I was totally confused. So I came up with lots of explanations: he doesn’t care about me like I thought he did (sucks), he fell out of the tree and is broken somewhere (sucks), he made a brilliant decision to spend time with one of his other lovers, who’ve been asking for more time from him — this one made the most sense to me.

then when I asked him about it, and he evaded the question, I knew he hadn’t been with one of his other partners, because he would have told me. The “I’ll tell you later” implied that there was a longer story, one that he didn’t really want to tell me. And then my volcano erupted, because the explanation that I had figured out to make sense of something I didn’t understand, suddenly evaporated. And not understanding, not “getting it”, is one of my deepest fears.

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