Band practice tonight… blech. Why did I want to sing, i repeatedly ask myself? I hate singing. That’s not really true. I like it when I’m not me, when I’m a character onstage, when I’m playing a character who can sing. But when I’m just me, I hate it. Because I don’t think I can sing. I know it doesn’t quite make sense. “Why don’t you just take on a character when you’re singing with the band?” Not that easy. It’s too superficial, it doesn’t have any context. If I were singing for people I didn’t know, it would be different, but I’m singing for all my friends, people who know ME, so I can’t really be someone else.

Actually, this is a major benefit of living on the commune, in a broader scope: I can’t act. An actress by trade, it’s always unnervingly easy to slip into “acting” in uncomfortable situations instead of being present with what’s really true for me. It works really well in the short-term, but over the long term it leads to a fairly shallow experience, because I’m not really experiencing all of those events, it’s some other character. It doesn’t hit me as deeply.

Over the past year and a half I’ve been here, people have gotten to know me. Me. They see me so much and in so many different circumstances that they’ve developed a fairly detailed picture of who I am, from all angles. And even though pieces of that include some acting, the different perspectives (socially, at work, in intimate relationships, in crisis situations, emotionally vulnerable) point to some core of Who I Am. And when people Know that in me, that’s how they recieve me, and I just can’t slip into acting mode as easily.

but this isn’t what I really sat down to write about. I wanted to respond to a comment that Aravail made many days ago (Friday, Jan 16), summed up as “What do you want to create? What are we making room for? Tofu and hammocks? Sustainable life unto itself?”

My answer: if we think we can define it now, we don’t know what we’re talking about. We’re limited by our ideas of what we think is possible, and mainstream culture vigorously inhibits our creative minds. I’m driven to live on the edge of what I believe is possible, and then challenge myself to see more possibility beyond that. Hence the title of this blog. Life lies in the act of creation — creation is essentially bringing into existence that which hasn’t existed before. It requires stepping forward into unknown territory — going over the edge of whatever boundaries or limits we’ve constructed. So, dearest Aravail, what do I want to create? Right now I want to create space for new creation, the space for possibility beyond possibility.

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