I had a dream last night that I was in front of a crowd of people, belting out a song with fiery passion and a strong, full, uninhibited voice. I don’t remember anything else from the dream… that image just popped up in my memory a few seconds ago.

I don’t think the dream has anything to do with singing, really. Instead I think it’s about my desire to be completely open and speak what’s true for me in a clear, powerful way. I’m NOT doing that in my life right now, and I’m miserable. I’m quiet and accommodating and I’m being nice and I’m putting other people’s “needs” before my “desires” and I’m EXHAUSTED from it all. And now I’m sick, physically ill.

Why aren’t I being clear and powerful and brilliant and standing up for myself?

A. Because I’m afraid of being wrong. What if what I think I need isn’t really what I need? And I fight for it because I think it’s what’s true for me, but it’s not and so other people have done something that I asked for and then it ends up being worse than before, and it’s my fault.

B. Because I’m afraid of people telling me “no.” I’m afraid if I actually think about what I need and really figure it out and then ask for it, someone will say “no, I can’t do that for you.” It seems easier to not know what I need and not get it than to know what I need and not get it. I know this doesn’t make sense, but it’s the way my mind is working right now.

C. I’m scared of other people’s anger. I’m afraid if I say what’s true for me, other people will be angry about it. What does that mean for me? It means I suck, if other people are angry with me. That’s what I make it mean. Because I seek my validation thru other people’s acknowledgement of my worth. It’s old “Dad” stuff for me that I’ve been working through for years… still not as enlightened about it as I had hoped I was.

in the dream when i was singing, everyone was amazed by the strength of my voice. They were listening in awe as I sang from my deepest self. GRRRRAAAW! I hate getting wrapped up in fear!