so much to write about after being AWOL for so long. I’ll make a list:

1) explaning the modifications we made to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, to satisfy Aravail and other curious readers
2)how reading depressing stories in The Sun makes me feel good about my life
3)Zen and the Art of Contra Dancing

1)Willy Wonka and the Tofu Factory

The main script rewrite we did (besides making chocolate into tofu — the chocolate river became a soymilk river, etc) was that Slugworth, instead of being a rival candy maker, was a union organizer. When each child won a golden ticket, he snuck up to them and gave them pamphlets to slip to the Oompa Loompas to tell them how to organize for better working conditions. A major thruline in the show was about how horribly Wonka treated the migrant workers. One Oompa Loompa (who we nicknamed the “Woody Guthrie Oompa Loompa”) rushed onstage after each traditional Loompa song (“I’ve got another puzzle for you”) to sing “Sixteen Tons” and other labor songs. The following scene is where Charlie gets separated from the others, and instead of drinking Fizzy Lifting Drink, he passes the pamplets out to the workers.

Woody Guthrie OL: Listen kid, don’t believe everything that Mr. Wonka shows you and tells you today. The life of an Oompa Loompa isn’t all swimming in soymilk rivers and feasting on okara patties! That man Wonka works us like dogs– orders us around seven days a week, no vacations, no sick pay– and we don’t even get to eat the good stuff, just the “seconds” he can’t sell, or whatever experimental batch he’s working on. I bet you anything he’s not going to show you our living quarters, or tell you what he does with us Oompa Loompas when we’re injured or too old to keep working.

CHARLIE: Too old? I hadn’t thought of that? What does he do?

WGOL: Kid, you don’t even want to know. Let me tell you something:

Oompa Loompas:
IT’S A HARD KNOCK LIFE FOR US
IT’S A HARD KNOCK LIFE FOR US
‘STEADA SOYMILK, WE GET CURDS
‘STEADA SECONDS, WE GET THIRDS
IT’S A HARD KNOCK LIFE

CHARLIE: Gosh that sounds terrible! I never realized things were so hard for you Oompa Loompas What can you do about it?

WGOL: I wish I knew. Back in Loompaland, our lives were hard, but at least we were free. It seems like exploitation and toil is the only life an Oompa Loompa will ever know.

CHARLIE: Have any of you ever heard of Slugworth? Or the International Association of Soy Schleppers? Here, take these pamplets. I’ve got to get back to the rest of the group before they realize I’ve been gone.

When Wonka gives the factory over to Charlie, Charlie signs the contract first, and then tells Wonka that she’s going to let the Oompa Loompas form a union. Then…

CHARLIE: First thing, I want you to meet your new director of Oompa Loompa relations. Come on out, Mr. Slugworth

WONKA: Slugworth?! Noooooo!

SLUGWORTH: (entering with some cheering Oompa Loompas) That’s right, Willy Wonka. You thought you had seen the last of me back in the great strike of ’98, when you called out the national guard to break up our picket line! You wouldn’t meet our demands back then, but the rising tide of worker power can’t be stopped that easily.

OL#1: You have oppressed us for far too long, Wonka!

OL#2: We demand reparation above and beyond our basic rights to organize and take vacations!

OL#3: Just starting a union isn’t enough!

OL#4: For all the hell you’ve put us through, this factory should belong to us!

CHARLIE: Mr. Wonka, I don’t know how to make tofu the way you do. There’s no point in giving the factory to me. This tofu factory should go to the workers, who know what it’s like to toil all day in the hot steam, the ones who start the kettle before dawn and load the trucks long past midnight. This factory should belong to the Oompa Loompas, and I’m giving it to them! (hands them the contract)

(OL’s, Slugworth cheer! Wonka is devestated)

WONKA: Charlie, I never saw it that way (To OL’s) Oh, I’ve been so wicked! What can I do to make it up to you?

OL: (hands Wonka a metal scrubby) Start scrubbing, Wonka!

OL: Clean that kettle, kid!

Everyone:

IF YOU WANT A WORKER’S PARADISE
SIMPLY RISE UP AND TAKE IT
ANYTHING YOU NEED, JUST MAKE IT
WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD
FIRST YOU MUST BREAK IT

THERE IS NO JOB I KNOW
TO COMPARE WITH A WORKER-OWNED COOPERATIVE
WORKING THERE
YOU’LL BE FREE
IF YOU TRULY WISH TO BE

THE END

pictures coming soon to the Twin Oaks website

that’s enough for now. You know, you never want to eat too much after fasting. I don’t want to over stimulate your system with too much to digest after not hearing anything from me for such a long time. Chew on this for awhile, and I’ll post #s 2 and 3 in the coming days.

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