I’m currently covered with tofu and okara after a 4 hour shift in the hut this morning.  Emotionally, I feel covered in some other kind of muck.  Pax and I are wading through some shit together around betrayal (on both sides), and it’s not fun.  I’m getting tangled in self-judgement and feelings of guilt, which don’t serve me except to “protect” me from judgement of others (because I’m already judging myself so harshly, no one else’s judgement can hurt nearly as much as my own).  I’m staying on top of it all right… and it’s hard.

There’s also a lot of big energy moving around Twin Oaks — lots of change and trauma and drama, to an extent that I haven’t felt here before.  I don’t know how much of it is actually different and how much of it is my shifting perspective as a planner and otherwise.  People seem more stressed out and events seem more wildly out of control.  One of our ex-members (who lived here over 10 years ago) was just arrested for armed bank robbery, and it’s speculated that he “borrowed” a Twin Oaks car to do it, as well as stole a van and over $1000 from us in the last few months.  Another member recently left unexpectedly and committed himself to a mental hospital.  These are just the two big ones — lots of other smaller things seem like they’re getting to be big and agitated.  I’m feeling like there’s a volcano getting ready to erupt around here (maybe it’s just my own personal volcano…).

That’s what’s going on for me.  Yikes.  Yesterday I would have written an entirely different post, but this morning this is what’s most present for me.  I’m just settling in after being in travelling mode for the last month (the Rainbow Gathering, then Network for New Culture, then FloydFest), and I’ll be here until the end of August, when I leave for Burning Man.  I’ve never been, and I’m very excited.  This is turning out to be a summer of major energetic change for me (not so much physical change of situation or location, more in how I experience life and this wild journey as a human).