This weekend I ran into a friend who I haven’t seen in a while, and she mentioned that she had stumbled across my blog and was surprised at how miserable I seemed.  I realized it might be time for an update…

Great summer, lots of traveling.  Got married, exhausting and amazing.  Maybe I’ll write reflections on the day (and married life) later on.  My perspective on life certainly changed once I wasn’t in school anymore.  I liked my life more.

And now I’m back in school, and finding myself struggling with the same questions of identity, passion, and compromise.  I don’t feel like I’m learning much of substance, and then it seems like I’m just in it to get the degree, the title of “Master” that may or may not be helpful to me in getting some kind of employment in a field that I may or may not be passionate about.  When that becomes my goal, I feel despondent, like I’ve sold out to believing that I have to “make it” in the capitalist mainstream economy.  I feel like I’ve given up on my faith that another world is possible.

Just this morning, writing in my journal, I remembered that my faith in our ability to create a healthier, more creative culture STEMMED from sociology, and that my original intention in going to school was to open students to believing in it, too!  I’m here to teach; my classes are secondary.  I realized that though teaching sociology is not my life path, I’m doing it right now in the discussion sections I lead as a TA, as a way of “giving back” in thanks for the gift I received as an undergrad.  The details of the class I teach aren’t as important as offering a perspective of possibility.  That had gotten lost for me along the way… and now that I remember, I feel more at peace with being here for now.  I’m here in service, not to serve myself.

This is my last semester of classes.  I’ll start my Master’s Thesis this semester, and then work on it for awhile next semester without being officially registered as a student… because I’ll be focused on other things towards the spring.  My body will be changing, growing, as new life grows inside me.  Around the end of April, I’ll be having a new baby in my world… I’ll be a mama.

How’s that for big news?