We’re moving to town — today was really the tipping point, where the new house feels like it’s starting to be "home", while the old house releases that credential.  I guess it was the move of the big furniture, and taking a first pass at arranging it, that made the difference.  I’m still sleeping out at the old house, but Jeffrey and Ayden (his teenage son) are staying at the new house tonight, sleeping on couches.  I’m not ready to relinquish myself to the chaos of the new… I much prefer the chaos of what I know, even as it gets more chaotic in the dismantling process.  I know where to find the dishes here, and the dustpan.  I know the flow of this house, the angle at which to peek my head around the corner to check on Aurora when she walks out onto the back porch, how to balance the laundry basket on my hip to squeeze through the doorway, how to turn the shower knobs in the perfect combination of cold and hot…

I’m clinging to this place.  I’m noticing the things I love and grasping onto them, squeezing enjoyment out of them almost violently, and feeling reluctant to let go.

I have so many doubts about this move… it’s hard to wrap my mind around all the benefits when I’m mourning the loss of the garden, and the stars, and the trees, and the well water.  The persistent thought tonight has been about wanting to live in a way that’s deeply connected to natural cycles, aware of and dependent on the Earth.  I want this to be more a part of my life than it is now… will this move give me that at all?

Here’s what it gives me: A great stream running through our backyard — we don’t have any water immediately accessible at the old place.  Two fantastic parks within walking and biking distance.  Community gardening opportunities in abundance — gardening with other people, just like I’ve been yearning for as I worked alone for the past 2 years.  Walking places, and taking public transportation — getting away from driving!

Will there be places to swim in natural, unchlorinated bodies of water?

So many changes… and they’re because this life out here in the isolation of the countryside didn’t work for me.  We’re making this move largely at my request/demand, and maybe that’s why i’m feeling consumed with doubt right now.  Is it the "right" choice?

It’s change, and change is opportunity.

So little has been fulfilling for me over the past few years, I think I’m just finding it hard to let go of the things that have given me pleasure.  The fear is that nothing will take their place, and I’ll be left without anything to enjoy.  Jeez… what a dismal, fatalistic thought. I actually have a lot of excitement about moving… tonight I’m just mourning what I’m leaving behind, feeling afraid of change.

It all comes back to FAITH again… believing that we’ll survive and even flourish as we meet the unknown, instead of fearing that it’ll be our demise.  Stepping forward trusting that we’re in collaboration with the deeper flow of the Universe, instead of at its mercy.  I know the feeling, and as I feel myself on the edge of falling into fear, I can instead breathe into the center of faith, and feel the strength that stirs in me.  Just keep doing that… breathing… and step forward into the chance to create a better (healthy, meaningful, beautiful, playful, creative) life.

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