After a conversation with new friends last night, I woke up with a revelation about the evolution of my relationship with my husband — I had been trying to describe the tricky balance we’re walking of each being on our own paths, and sharing our lives at the same time.   When I woke up next to him this morning and I wanted to roll over to be more comfortable, I realized the core of it.  In the past, when I wanted something and he was “in the way” (if I felt resistance from him, or he didn’t want the same thing), I’d give it up.

I quickly built up resentment and blamed him for my life not being what I wanted it to be.  I felt powerless and depressed, believing I had gotten stuck in a life that wouldn’t ever be what I wanted it to be.  At some point two summers ago, I reached a breaking point.  I knew I needed a life that worked for me, and if Free was in my way, I would have to push past him.  I traveled for a month with our 2 yr old daughter, to the Rainbow Gathering in PA, to a week-long personal/cultural transformation workshop, to my mom’s wedding in OH.  Somewhere along that journey, I remembered that I’m the one that creates my life.  In some story about what it meant to be married, I had imagined that we were going to be creating our life together, and had let go of my own sense of agency (there’s vocab from my sociology background… “agency” is one’s ability to act autonomously and make independent choices).  On that mother/daughter month out in the world, I rediscovered my independent spirit, and a confidence and strength that helped me remember myself.

Putting this into practice over the last year and a half has been easier than I thought it would be.  Free *wants* me to be happy and thriving (surprise!?).  And, believe it or not, we get along so much better when I’m not blaming him for the ways my life isn’t what I want it to be. When I have an inspiration, I don’t let myself drop it if he’s “in the way”.  I ask him to move, or find a way to go around.  It’s a partner dance, and he’s not leading.  I dance my dance, he dances his, and because we want to, we dance together.

So this morning in bed, I asked him to scootch so I could roll over.  He sleepily did, and we snuggled in to go back to sleep.

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